Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

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WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!!

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench across the road from a flower show. One dares the other to streak through the hall. So she takes off her clothes and dashes across the road and into the building. A few minutes later she reappears holding a blue ribbon.

The first one says "Mildred, I can't believe you did that!"
The streaker replies "I can't believe I won first prize for best dried arrangement."

quote:

Originally posted by PublicAlert:
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench across the road from a flower show. One dares the other to streak through the hall. So she takes off her clothes and dashes across the road and into the building. A few minutes later she reappears holding a blue ribbon.

The first one says "Mildred, I can't believe you did that!"
The streaker replies "I can't believe I won first prize for best dried arrangement."

You go, Maude. LOL

An oldie, but a goodie:

Little Old Lady Making Bets

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

Another...

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Maine. The husband likes to fish early in the morning. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after a couple of hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops the small anchor, and continues to read her book.

Along comes an officer from Inland Fisheries and Wildlife in his patrol boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?").

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not fishing. I am reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says, "Have a nice day."

~ Moral of the story: Don't mess with a woman who reads. She may also be able to think.

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten

roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer

kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot

and was replaced.



That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of

tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone

so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he

could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to

the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine

specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old

Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!



John went to investigate. The other roosters were

chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters

coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had

his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet,

do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he

entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight

sensation among the judges.



The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize

but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a

politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our

planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them

when they weren't paying attention?

Oh my God. LOL



~ Winch-wenches rule. ~

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,00.00. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

Then he smiles and asks:
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A young girl who was expecting her beau for the evening had beans for supper and was concerned about possible flatulence. Her mother suggested that if she felt the urge, she should get up and play a little something on the piano to show how good she was, and it would cover any noise.

So the boy comes over and they're sitting on the couch when the urge hits. She jumps up and says "I don't believe you've ever heard me play. This is a lovely piece called 'The Storm'. Let me play it for you." So she did, and things passed and she sat down again.

A little while later the urge comes on her again. She tells him that The Storm is an extraordinary piece and he really should hear the second movement. So she plays, and goes back to the couch afterwards.

Not long and she feels the need again, but when she gets up to play he puts a hand on her arm and says "Honey, if you're going to play The Storm, would you leave out the part where the lightning hits the outhouse?"

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watching Saturday morning cartoons,
* going to Disney movies, and
* wishing on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay or Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* re moving a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:
* first step,
* first word,
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, So . one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!!!!!