God Help Me, I Can't Breathe ----------------------------
Trapped inside my mind, gasping for air, the incessant pounding, are the thoughts of a thousand wrongs and contemplations of decisions made and decisions yet to be made. Moral fibers tense and tear as I feel the fear of the unknown, my future, my past, the looming grim reaper sitting on the back porch of my mind waiting for that one wrong move. My chest feels tight, my muscles stiff, breaths are short and unsatisfying. I am at this place again, a place that I fear, a place that breeds pain and doubt.
Where is this place you ask? Surely I should tell you so you cannot tread on this mortifying ground of pain, confusion and fear. It is no physical place, not even a dream, it is the inner synapses of my mind all day and night, like a textile mill, churning out the fabric of my life, past and present.
While most days, I ignore its incessant noise, its hollow grinding of reason and morality. But today, like some days, the churning of a thousand thoughts and emotions becomes unbearable and makes me lose my selective attention for that which is external. I embark past the gates of hell into my own inner sanctum, my past, my present and the uncertain future.
Wrong decisions I have made in my life come rushing to the foreground like the horsemen of the apocalypse, trampling my thoughts as if they were rice paper. I am left with the shreds of "what if" and "should I have.." dripping through my fingers. Family deaths, old relationships and employment memories come falling down as artillery as I try and dig deeper into my mental foxhole.
My accomplishments, correct decisions and complacency are here to help me fight off the demons that occupy my thoughts. Soon they are victims of the repressed emotions, thoughts and fears that have become the genie inside this magic bottle of thought. Again I am alone.
But I am not alone, anxiety is here with me. As I feel my blood pressure rise, I see visions of my girlfriend being raped, my family being killed, myself dying in a horrible accident. The anger builds. I will kill the motherfuckers responsible for this. My mind races with visions of me murduring these invisible foes and the feelings that accompany that rage, I try and let out a crying scream of rage, only to realize, this is all in my mind.
Soon later I snap out from that delusion, only to be thrust into visions of a stale career while everyone around me progresses. I am the man to pity now. The man who has nothing, is nothing and will never be anything. Hundreds of ambitious thoughts surge through my mind, I can feel my legs start to run, my hands poised for work, only to find the picture of this man is still the same, again, I try to scream only to be silenced by my own mind.
Imagine a thousand scenarios like these, start them all at the same time, think about them, walk around in them, have them all echoing your screams, trapping you inside every single one while still trying to function as a normal human being.
quote:Originally posted by My Reality: God Help Me, I Can't Breathe ----------------------------
Trapped inside my mind, gasping for air, the incessant pounding, are the thoughts of a thousand wrongs and contemplations of decisions made and decisions yet to be made. Moral fibers tense and tear as I feel the fear of the unknown, my future, my past, the looming grim reaper sitting on the back porch of my mind waiting for that one wrong move. My chest feels tight, my muscles stiff, breaths are short and unsatisfying. I am at this place again, a place that I fear, a place that breeds pain and doubt.
Where is this place you ask? Surely I should tell you so you cannot tread on this mortifying ground of pain, confusion and fear. It is no physical place, not even a dream, it is the inner synapses of my mind all day and night, like a textile mill, churning out the fabric of my life, past and present.
While most days, I ignore its incessant noise, its hollow grinding of reason and morality. But today, like some days, the churning of a thousand thoughts and emotions becomes unbearable and makes me lose my selective attention for that which is external. I embark past the gates of hell into my own inner sanctum, my past, my present and the uncertain future.
Wrong decisions I have made in my life come rushing to the foreground like the horsemen of the apocalypse, trampling my thoughts as if they were rice paper. I am left with the shreds of "what if" and "should I have.." dripping through my fingers. Family deaths, old relationships and employment memories come falling down as artillery as I try and dig deeper into my mental foxhole.
My accomplishments, correct decisions and complacency are here to help me fight off the demons that occupy my thoughts. Soon they are victims of the repressed emotions, thoughts and fears that have become the genie inside this magic bottle of thought. Again I am alone.
But I am not alone, anxiety is here with me. As I feel my blood pressure rise, I see visions of my girlfriend being raped, my family being killed, myself dying in a horrible accident. The anger builds. I will kill the motherfuckers responsible for this. My mind races with visions of me murduring these invisible foes and the feelings that accompany that rage, I try and let out a crying scream of rage, only to realize, this is all in my mind.
Soon later I snap out from that delusion, only to be thrust into visions of a stale career while everyone around me progresses. I am the man to pity now. The man who has nothing, is nothing and will never be anything. Hundreds of ambitious thoughts surge through my mind, I can feel my legs start to run, my hands poised for work, only to find the picture of this man is still the same, again, I try to scream only to be silenced by my own mind.
Imagine a thousand scenarios like these, start them all at the same time, think about them, walk around in them, have them all echoing your screams, trapping you inside every single one while still trying to function as a normal human being.
I'm sad for you and your sister and your family. I do hope for the best.
Did you know you can delete the second post? Just letting you know because it is up there twice.
As for the original poster, they don't sound insane to me. Very complicated and problematic and pissed off, but not insane.
<pendragonart>
Posted
it sounds alot like my reality!you are obsessive compulsive perhaps? suffer from obsessions and anxieties? i have for 40 years..i have those sort of thoughts alot,it has improved some with medication, and with hard workon my psyche!
quote:Originally posted by Sally: Maybe you have Asthma?
I'm asking you nicely to stop using Sally's name. If you must have the name, Sally, please sign up as Sallie or something. Sally is not to be bothered at this time. Please respect that and her and I am asking nicely.
Posts: 618 | Location (City, State): King Tut's Tomb | Registered: Sun May 16 2004
quote:Originally posted by Sally: Maybe you have Asthma?
I'm asking you nicely to stop using Sally's name. If you must have the name, Sally, please sign up as Sallie or something. Sally is not to be bothered at this time. Please respect that and her and I am asking nicely.
And why do you care so much about this? Hmmm
<Lewie's Pal>
Posted
Because Lewie is totally in love with Sally and crystalk. He's obsessed with them.
<shrinky dinky>
Posted
Actually Lewie IS Sally..... yep
<hickman>
Posted
No, Lewie isn't.
I know who Sally really is. She told me in PT and you are just jealous.
