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Good Pluba |
I am sure most of us at some point in our lives have had a friend, family member, or significant other in their lives that seems to bring more grief then happieness. My question is how long do you allow unhealthy relationships to fester before you cut the person out of your life.
My personal problem is with my mother. My entire life she has been what I have diagnosed from reading and speaking with doctor and people with likewise symptoms as bi polar. My mother has not been treated or seen for this problem because she doesnt see anything wrong with the way she acts. I also think she is also just one of those people who are selfish and abusive. A recent example, she purchased a gift for a friends birthday, I am friends with this woman as well. She asked me to give her gift to her as we were all going out for the friends birthday and she would be late. So, I did. Well my birthday was yesterday, she did briefly say Happy Birthday when she saw me but didnt give me a present, not even a card. I am debating having a conversation with her. I mean how does she think this would have made me feel? She has forgotten my birthday completely before. I have made sure to try to get her something she wanted for her birthday every July including this one. She even pestered everyone a month prior to my sisters birthday to pitch in and get my sister something she had asked for. She does things heartless like this all the time. Should I bother having the conversation or just cut my losses? Should I just ignore it and go on with the way things are? My first inclination is to just cut her out of my life before she can inflict anymore emotional damage. Ive had conversations before with her about things she has said/done and she blames her actions on me. Well Ive spilled my guts. Advice is welcome. If you have a family member/friend/SO please feel free to vent as well. Christina "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant |
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Grand Pluba |
Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIH!!
 What your mother did was cruel and mean. Why she would do such a thing, I can't tell you. I also don't have anyone in my family who is like this, so I don't really have any good advice for you from a personal aspect. People who are bipolar (also called manic depressive) NEED to be on medication or they can be impossible to live with/deal with. If she refuses to get help then there really is nothing you can do that is going to change the situation and I would simply tell you to follow your heart and do what makes you feel the best. |
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Good Pluba |
Thank your Crystal. I have previously not talked to her for about 2 years, at my husbands nudging and my insanity, I talked to her again because I was expecting. Boy, has my husband regretted that move. lol I agree she needs to be treated. Even my father has difficulty living with her and jumping thru her hoops. Most of the family just ignores it and pretends like nothing happened. Like her birthday this year, I organized for the 4 of us kids to pitch in and buy her a mothers ring, which was pretty expensive due to my one sisters birthstone being a diamond and wanting to get her a nice ring. I told each of my siblings that we would go to dinner with her. Well my one sister, her fave, must have forgotten, and cooked dinner, well she told my mother I never said anything to her, and that she already cooked dinner, and wasnt going. My mother then decided she wasnt going. My other sister called her trying to settle things, she had my brother tell her she had a headache. Shortly after she left with my father to the Casino. I fed her birthday cake to my kids. A cpl days later my sister brought the present over and my other sister, brother and father sat and talked with her like nothing happened. I am telling you I could make a shrink rich. lol Christina "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant |
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| <Passion Wolf>
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Happy belated birthday Shhh.
 here is cake I am sorry tht does taste very well but you know it was a rush job snicker.Shh this is just for you http://members.aol.com/ajsoloway/birthday/party.htm if you rather have this then click here http://members.aol.com/ajsoloway/birthday/holiday.htm Maybe you need to sit you mother down and tell her your true feels. Never cut you mom out of your life. I am sorry that your mom did this but it may be the bi polar . |
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Exceptional Pluba |
Well, Shih, you and I have something in common. Kind of, anyway. While it would be easy to cut your losses, I'd say for your Dad's sake, and sanity, keep on keepin' on. He needs you. You might not think he does, but he does.
And I'm sure he wasn't "pretending" like nothing happened--he was probably just living in the moment, as many of his moments are probably he*ll, so he was enjoying the peace while he could. And always remember to give him ample opportunity to blow off steam or just talk it out, if you're feeling like he needs that. Stay sensitive to what he's feeling. Sometimes, you just have to accept things the way they are. You're not going to be her favorite, no matter how hard you try---AND by the way, if you DO try, you'll get even farther down her list---so don't bother. If you haven't been able to please her by now, I'm willing to bet that you're not going to ever be able to. Concentrate on your kids, and live for them and your hubby....it'll help get you through. What I suggest is--if you go to church, look for a fill-in Grandma for your child/ren. You'll be surprised at what a great friend you can find doing that...might even end up being a fill-in Mom for you. You never know. I'm not saying to replace Mom, I'm just saying that sometimes there's that Mom-void that we daughters look for, and when Mom doesn't or can't (passed away, sick, lives too far away, etc) fill that need, it's OK to find someone that can do that for you---in a healthy way. |
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Good Pluba |
Assuming she has been in your life constantly I don't think you should cut her out of your life. But I wouldn't bend over backwards for her. Let her be in your life when it works for you. When you didn't talk to her for 2 years did it hurt her or was she fine with it? I have a friend whos husband is bi-polar and medication is much needed but you can't make her get it. My husband also didn't talk with his dad for 15 years, and just trying to start a new relationship with him as of 2 years ago. We did it for our kids thou. He also knows we will not bend over backwards for him but we will do what we can to keep a positive relationship going as long as it is healthy for everyone. He has alot of time to make up, not knowing any of these 4 grandkids was hard to come into their life at such a late age. Keep positive as much as you can and don't let her bother you.
 Saving just one animal won't change the world, but it will change HIS world! |
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Very Good Pluba |
You're not alone, Shih. Please feel free to PT me.
"Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?" |
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Good Pluba |
Thanks for the response and kind words.
My mother is going thru menopause but has been this way my entire life. I can remember vividly being told in 4th grade that she was no longer my mother because I recieved a C on a paper she had to sign. She is not a part of my life other then living next door to here. She does not spend much time with my children. Partly because she doesnt want to, and partly because when they are with her I have heard her screm at them and ask if they are stupid. She told me today that she didnt buy me anything cause she sunk al her money into buying gutters. 2 days prior she had me give a friend a gift and went out to have drinks and bought herself fast food after. I dont think it is healthy at all to have her around myself. I dont think it is healthy to have her around my kids unsupervised. As my 8 year old asked me. "Did she say things like that to you when you were a kid?" I really appreciate being able to vent. No matter how many times I put my walls up, all I ever wanted to hear from her was a kind word and that she was proud. All I get is a nasty relationship that underminds me. Christina "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant |
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Grand Pluba |
I'm sorry to hear that Shih..she needs help and your kids don't need to be around that.
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Very Good Pluba |
Why can't some people see the damage they are doing to their family by favoring one child, or one child's progeny over another?
"Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?" |
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Grand Pluba |
I disagree. I think that we as adults should not feel like we need to surround ourselves with people that do nothing but make us feel bad, even if that person happens to be a parent. There is nothing wrong with loving a person from afar if you can't get along. I have never subscribed to the adage that just because you are "blood" you have to spend time with that person. It sounds like your life has been made hell a long time. I suggest you are honest with your mother about how she has, and is making you feel. I think honesty is paramount. And after you tell her let her know your time around her will be limited for your own sake and for your children. If she is moved to change and can prove that to you over time then you can soften up a bit. But i would not advocate for one minute that you continue to tolerate this. I do not see my parents much at all, not because i don't love them but because of things like you are describing. We get along much better seeing each other so much less. It is not wrong to not subject yourself to abuse. We owe it to ourselves to be as happy as we can be. And if someone is hell bent on destroying that happiness then I would definitely suggest dealing with them at arm's length. Your children need you and they need a mom who is happy. I can tell you that your immediate family, husband/kids, probably suffer from this as well as you probably manifest your hurt feelings around them. My advice may not be popular but i can tell you this is how i live my life and i am much happier for it. I choose to surround myself with people that I am compatible with and who show me respect. Does not mean I don't love and still pray for family members that I don't see as much anymroe. They know that I love them, but also know I don't take their crap. It would be fabulous if your mother would seek treatment, because if she truly is bi polar there is medication out there that helps tremendously and can help one live a somewhat normal life. But we all know we can't force this on someone. She is steadfast in her ways and it is very likely she will never go in for treatment. COntinue to talk to your dad when you can when she is not around and encourage him to encourage her to seek help. And see if your sisters whom she seems to tolerate can also encourage her to seek help. And by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! If it is any solace to you, my mom has forgotten mine a time or two over my years as well. I know how it feels. It hurts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie |
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Newba Pluba |
I related so much to your post. My mother is no longer living but when she was I could never seem to please her no matter how hard I tried. My brother was her favorite and he could never do no wrong in her eyes. I spent much of my time trying to make her respect and love me. Finally with my husbands support I came to the realization that no matter what I did it was not going to change things. So I moved away to a different state and kept in touch from a distance until her death. I felt inner peace once I got away from her abusive ways. I hope you are also able to find inner peace. |
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Good Pluba |
Thanks again for those who have posted. Your kind words have meant allot. I don't see things ever improving or her ever saying those magic words "Im proud of you." I just have to make myself proud. It helps that one of my sisters, who unfortunantly lives farther away then the one who is my moms fave, has the same issues I do and has extended herself to be there for me. I do plan on moving, planned to have already but then a dear friend found out he has cancer and it complicated the move. I think distance will at least soften it. Living next door just gives too many opportunites for me to be treated like a red headed step child. lol It has helped talking about it on the forum. I often dont get personal on here cause I tend to be private but I am glad I did.
Christina "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant |
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Grand Pluba |
yes, shih, you truly have to find your own strength from within in these cases. it would be easier if loved ones would give us encouragement, but just becasue they don't doesn't mean we can't muster it up on our own. yes moving would really help. I used to live next door to my mother and i stayed stressed out a lot. Now we are a state apart, and ironically we have gotten closer even tho our primary contact is email. you just don't have to be close in proximity to family when you don't get along well. i have an aunt who was so into family and always insisted on reunions and gatherings, and they always ended up with everyone bickering. She tried so hard, but it always failed. It caused her so much stress. I just can't see putting myself thru something like that. I have my own family now. I love my sister, my father and my mother...but I am not ashamed in saying that i enjoy loving them at arm's length and not seeing them all the time. I have my children, my fiancee, and my doggies. That is my family today and they make me happy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie |
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Exceptional Pluba |
I agree, but I told her to NOT forget her Dad. He needs her. Why punish him for the stuff her Mom has done? He needs her (Shih) for HIS sanity. At least that's how I see it. Your last post you just wrote is hauntingly familiar. LOL |
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Good Pluba |
Well my Dad and I are not close at all. Partly because of issues growing up and partly because he isnt and hasnt ever been the type to open up. Our extent of discussing it is for one of us in passing if we discover it first to tell each other if she is on a tyrade. I didnt have a healthy relationship with either of my parents as a child, and while my father is no longer emotionally abusive to me, I dont feel a desire to establish a deeper relationship now. I didnt talk to either of my parents for about 2 years and maybe I am a horrible person but I didnt feel a loss in my life. I have never had that wonderful bond with a parent or felt supported so I guess I didnt have those touching moments to miss.
Christina "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." - Immanuel Kant |
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Exceptional Pluba |
No, not necessarily. Sometimes we need to prune out the unhealthy. It's painful at first, but then there's healthy growth to follow. In my case, my Dad and I are super close, so I was thinking of it from that sort of perspective. I'd say, it might be time to prune, eh? |
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