How can someone help someone who just lost a child? And to make matters worse, 2 other of her children seriously hurt??? Why do choices that 14,15,16yearsd old make, end up so tragic? I guess that god takes people away from us to make us stronger?? Those are the questions I have tonight as I sit and watch my 3 children play, and wonder how my friend and her family will make it??? It all started november 24th 2003, 3 teens made a choice to get in a vechial that wasn't theirs with a driver who was 14 and without a licence drive on a winding road. A 10 minute ride then a roll over and it was all over..... A 16year old dead, her 15yr old sister near death and the 14yrs old with a broken collor bone and not mentally right because she doesn't understand why!!!!!!!!
Ok I just needed to vent!!!!!!!!!! I will pray for the one who is in critical condition!! Thanks for letting me vent!!! And please pray for that Family over here in WI
Posts: 148 | Location (City, State): wisconsin | Registered: Sat August 30 2003
Tina, there is no magic word or thought that can take away the pain that your friend feels and the pain you have in your heart for that family. I have a friend whose daughter was killed in an auto accident 2 years ago the end of October. A drunk driver ran up on the top of the van she was in as a passenger in the middle row of seats and the weight of the truck crashed thru the top of the van onto her. There was nothing that could console the family but as time went by, the parents decided to use this tragedy to educate teens about the results of drunk driving, especially on prom night. That has been a way for them to deal and it has given them purpose in their lives. This child was identified by a little green frog tatoo on her shoulder and each time I see any kind of a frog I remember her and the fact that she made such an impact in her short life that will go on and on. Just maybe your friend's child will be remembered in such a positive way. I will keep y'all in my prayers.
Posts: 531 | Location (City, State): central Md. | Registered: Sat June 21 2003
Tina, It's called having the right to make our own decisions. Those children made the decision to get into that car with a child behind the wheel. God allows us to make our choices in this life. Even though there are sometimes severe consequences which follow an improper judgement call.
We do grow stronger spiritually when we have any tragey strike in our own lives. No one family on this earth is immune to tragedy. At one time or another each of us will experience a tragedy in our lives.
Sometimes I could just cry when I watch the news on television and hear and see families just devastated by a tragedy. We don't have all the answers, but someday everything will be clear when we have passed on to the other side. Until then we will have to muddle through. My heart goes out to all who are experiencing a tragedy in their life.
As a parent who has lost two children, it is probably easier for me to tell you what NOT to do. When you see the person out shopping or whatever, don't go in the other direction or pretend that you don't see her. Don't ask 'How are you doing'. I am doing lousy, thank you. Don't talk about everything under the son except my children. Don't say 'lets go out to eat' or whatever and then never call.
I can not tell you how many friends I lost after my sons died. I know people didn't know what to say, but saying nothing is worse. The parent who has lost a child needs to talk about them. Don't pretend the child never existed. I spent 17 yrs. with one son and right at 22 yrs. with the second. They died a year and a half apart. I love talking about them. I easily talk about what happened and why they died. You can be normal around someone who has lost a child. We still need our friends and we still want to talk and brag about our children, whether they are here or not. Some of the best moments I have is when someone tells me Jarod or Dayne did this..... and I know if they were still alive I would be grounding their a**. lol
CJE has good advice. Another thing I would add - be there for your friend - don't say 'call if you need anything' and then figure that because she hasn't called that she doesn't need anything. Call her. Listen. Hug her. Be a friend.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- -~ Mimi -~-~ http://am-pugs.com -~-~ "When we stop learning we die." -~ -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Posts: 5090 | Location (City, State): Oklahoma | Registered: Sun June 22 2003
AmPugs is right. If I had a dollar for everyone who said 'call me if you need anything' I would be rich. We don't call. We don't want to impose on anyone. Call us and say, I am going to lunch, want to go with me? I probably would then. If anything, just go over and sit with your friend. Even if you don't say a word, just be there. Sometimes it is just nice not to have to sit alone. When it comes time for the son or daughters' birthday, death anniversary - anything like that - send a card or call just to say you remembered what day it is. My own mother does not acknowledge my son's birthdays or death anniversarys. Need less to say, I am no longer close to my mother. My own mother-in-law didn't bother to come to their funerals. Said she couldn't handle it. How does she think the parents feel. This is what you can run into when dealing with the death of a friend's child. They may seem pissed at the world, at the child who died, and at the friends who deserted them. Ok, didn't mean to go on and on.
Posts: 1268 | Location (City, State): Big Brother House | Registered: Thu January 15 2004
Go 'on and on' as much as you want. I can't imagine the pain of loosing a child - I only have one - if something happened to her I would probably just crawl in a hole someplace. Loss has to be talked about or it hides and festers.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- -~ Mimi -~-~ http://am-pugs.com -~-~ "When we stop learning we die." -~ -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Posts: 5090 | Location (City, State): Oklahoma | Registered: Sun June 22 2003
You are right AmPugs. I couldn't have said it better. I had to go to the funeral home yesterday. My friend's 2 yr. old daughter died. She choked on a screw. Very, very sad. Hopefully I can help them through this. CJ
Posts: 1268 | Location (City, State): Big Brother House | Registered: Thu January 15 2004
I have a 5 year old son, if I lost him i know i would lose all reason to live. I can't imagine what it feels like and i pray to God I go first.I want more kids but I have had cancer and I'm afraid I can't have any more. My son has been there for me since the day he was concieved, just by "being" he has always made me strive to be better.I couldn't imagine not having him with me in the future, and I can't remember not having him before. I have great respect, sympaythy, admiration and sadness for those who have went through this and my heart goes out to them all. I am so sorry for your loses.Bless you all and hug and kiss your children everyday!
Posts: 2875 | Location (City, State): South Carolina | Registered: Tue April 13 2004
..I fully understand the feelings you and your friends family are having. I too lost a child. He was my second child and I hurt all the time. I didn't think I would be able to go on, but I had to for my other child. That was 11 years ago and today it still hurts as much as it did then. I have asked God why so many times. All I know is that if it were not for my other child, I would not have been able to go on. She has saved me in more ways than one and I thank God for her everyday. I guess you never can answer the question of why, but try to go on. As hard as it may be. Just be there for your friend because she will hurt to an extreme that no one could ever imagine unless having lived it themselves. She will need you. I will keep the family in my prayers.
I have a friend who lost her husband (not the same I know) but a sever of a limb just the same. These guys are right, be there. I said everything wrong like "I am so sorry" and not mentioning him AND mentioning him, it is complicated. For months she cryed on my sholder, sometimes colapsed on the floor in tears and rage, sometimes yelled at me, ect. But later she cryed on my sholder and told me that she would not have made it if I didn't come back after everytime she got upset and yelled or cryed. Today we have a deep friendship and I am still their when she wonders "why?". I didn't always say the perfect thing everyone WILL say something stupid or inapropriate and she may get mad, but go back later and hold her just the same. But like CJE said so many faded away and walked away from her not knowing what to say. And yes sometimes there was total silence and we just sat leaning on each other. And now when my husband does "tipical" husband stuff we can laugh and say it is a Mark kind of thing to do and he is still here, remembered and loved in every memory of the things that were "typical Mark". But I know for me it was best NOT to be the one to bring him up at first. Do not ask how are you doing! That is for sure.
