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Newba Pluba |
This is a long story,tried to make it short but didn't make much sense. So here it is,
I am 32 years old and recently discovered my mothers real personality.Does that make sense? You know, the idea that your Dad is superman and your mom is the best mom in the whole world,always know what's right. Well, 10 years ago I found out my Mom and step Dad where doing drugs. My boyfriend thought it was a good time to tell me, on one of our break up arguements, that they had offered him a sniff. Ok so lot's of people do drugs right but not your parents. At least thats what I thought. Then I would ask them why? The answer was, "just once in a while, we don't do this everyday". Ok, Now that I was on to them I started seeing clearly there disfunctions. Realized, no matter how lavishly they lived they where always empty. I blamed my step father. I thought he had to be the one to pull her into that type of society. All there friends did drugs, drank and partied way to hard. All hard working,nice homes, nice cars, with kids kinda people. So, I moved out on my own and got disconnected somewhat, Fell in love and started my own family. The day finally came when my Mom and step-Dad where getting divorced.14 years of marriage gone, my Mom told me several times she wanted to be divorced that she didn't love him. He cheated on her with a yunger woman and left but according to the rumors he was cheating all the time and in the end she found someone she thought she loved to cheat on my step Dad. So it Ended. This is where my discovery began. I thought for sure with my step dad out of the picture she was going to turn her life around. After all he was the bad influence but for the past three years she has only gone down hill. I adviced her to go to rehab,get help! Mom talk to me, how can I help you but she just pushed me away by not including me. She hit what I would call rock bottom. I have to children now a 4 yr old girl and a 2 year old boy. In all there days they have only seen my Mom 5 times if not less. She decided one of her gay frinds was better company than her daughter and grand children. Her gay friend pretnded to be falling in love with her to use up what ever money she had left from her divorce which was a bit over 180 thousand. For a while they had no house phone, every month was a mission to pay the bills, it was common for FPL to shut off the power for no payment. Until recently, like four weeks ago her room mate or boyfriend (her gay friend) walked all the way from her house to my house which is about 7 to 8 miles all together to beg me for food. That my mother was starving. So I took him to walmart and bought them food and soap and what ever they needed. When I got to my moms house she was thinner, she said she was clean because they had no money for four or five months so she had been clean for that time frame. She told me she was going to sell her house and move into an apartment or trailer park and that she would put the money she made from the house in the bank. I let her talk on and on. She even sayed God has shown her how importan the little things in life are. Then I told her to please be strong to do the right thing and to make sure she is wise about her finances so she won't ever be broke to the point od starving. She blew up, threw me out of her house, banged her head against the front door from rage asking me if I thought she was stupid. Let me just end it hear for I'm sure you've heard enough. My point is I have no relationship with my mother.Why won't she let me in? I told her she would never see me again. That I couldn't take her rejection anymore. I changed my home number and cell phone and I'm moving to a new house in three weeks. Thank God she sold her house. Yesterday, was her closing. I hope she finds what she is looking for. I have my own family to care for and love. My husband keeps me strong but the truth is I don't know what to feel for my mother anymore. (Told you it was long) Talk to me people. I know I'm not the only one with a sick Mom and I sure as hell don't want to do this crap to my own kids. (I don't drink nor do any kind of drugs but there other ways to do damage). I don't want to hurt my babys ever. |
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Pluba Freshman |
Well, I'm no expert, but I've been thru a similar circumstance and I know she will always be your Mother, no matter what. If you can somehow practice detachment (not an easy task for anyone) and move on with your life, things will get better. Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes and do their own suffering because that is the only way they will learn. I know you must have gone thru a lot more than you posted here and you are truly very caring of your mother and I do understand that. You must realize that no matter how much you love her, you don't have to make her your responsibility. I know some people will disagree, but it is a choice. Your mother probably harbors a lot of guilt inside of her and she has demons you never even dreamed of and she is the only one who can deal with them. You can still love her and care for her, just from a distance, a very long distance if need be. If she doesn't want a relationship with you, it's her choice. Let it be. Maybe one day she will see the error of her ways. It's her loss, not yours. I don't think you have to worry about hurting your babies. It seems that you are very intelligent and you know yourself and you CAN TRUST YOURSELF where your little ones are concerned. It's a choice if we act like our parents. When we were little, we didn't know any better. When we are grown, WE CHOOSE. Choose now and have a great life. The best revenge is to LIVE WELL. Enjoy your family and focus on them and your life will be fulfilled. I know, I have been there. Take care of you and yours and let the rest go for now. It may change later on but you don't need to worry about it anymore, okay.
Save a dog/Save a life. It only takes one good person. |
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Newba Pluba |
Thank you! Some how I know I'm ready to detach myself from her problems but I'll always wish she could have turned to me. I'm her only daughter, my kids are her only grandkids.Funny, but it was good to read that it is ok to move on and let her make her mistakes.I wouldn't of been able to do this four weeks ago. In my mind I could see her telling me that her situation was somehow my fault. Actually,she thinks she is never wrong, she will blame the world before she blames herself.I pray for her to clear her mind and see things for what they really are. Again, I want to thank you, I was afraid no one could relate. You are the only one who has written and I believe ,for not being an expert, your advice is very good. Experience made you an expert. Thanks Again DB.
Sincerely, Liz |
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Newba Pluba |
You are right to distamce yourself from your mother at this point in her life. You are not responsible for the issues that your mother has right now nor can you help her. She is the only one that can do that. When you buy food etc for her you are enabling her to continue this lifstyle. I know how much this can hurt to have no contact or to know how she is from time to time but it is in your and your childrens best interest to do just that. Stay strong and hang in there.
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Newba Pluba |
Shari,
Thank you for sharing your troubles. I've been told to stay strong and keep my distance. It's not easy, you know that. In my mind I picture different ways to help; what to say, what to do. How can we make them wake up and see what they are doing to the ones that love them and need them? I still beleive there has to be a way to make them realize. I don't know what it is but there has to be a way. In the mean time you hang in there, God only knows how our stories will end. I brokedown two days ago but it felt good to let it out.Your right about your Grand kids no one should let them live under those circumstances. I've asked my family for help with my Mom but no one wants to get involved. I hope you and your family can help the children and your daughter.I imagine this must be terribly hard for you. We love our children more than they love us. I know that now because I'm a mommy. I love my mom and wish, hope and pray for her to get well and find her way back home but I love my children much, much more. Good luck and May God give you the serenity ,strength and solutions. Thanks again for your support. You're doing Very Good yourself. If we breakdown, OHH WELL!! We're only human. At least we continue to do the best we can to stay on the right track. |
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Newba Pluba |
Molly,
Thanks for you support. Its been A month and 3 days since I last saw or heard from My mom But who's counting right? Ha-ha... I just realized that even if I wanted to reach her I couldn't because I have no clue where she is. I guess she'll know where to find me. Honestly, I hope she only comes back if she is cleaned-up and ready to come back permanently. I can't take the lack of trust I have for her, it just really upsets me. You know, I look at it this way, I want my kids to trust me and know that they can always count on me. I don't want to let them down. I want my mom to see that. She needs to get her butt in gear and realize what a beautiful family she has. No high in the world could replace the years that she has missed out on from me and her grandkids. There innocence is priceless and what ticks me off the most is that she can't enjoy anything in her life in a natural/normal state of mind. She may never be normal again even if she is off the drugs because the damage could be irreversible. So here I am. I keep buzy so I won't think about it. Do as much as I can to spend quality time with my family. Keeping the distance is my last attempt to snap her out of it. Then again, like I said, it may be to late for her anyway. I'm going through different stages, all in effort to accept it as it is and still live my life without a chip on my shoulder. Like, why was I and my kids not enough reason for her to be strong and get help? Thanks again for your support. I'm hanging, waiting in a sence. I hope you are not going through something similar. I'm taking everyones advice on keeping my distance because I've tried everything except that. I'll keep you all posted to see if playing hardball works in her case. Thanks again. Love the response. Sincerely Liz |
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Pluba Freshman |
Please, please look around for a support group or a 12 step program for family members of addicts. It might be A-anon or something similar. Just keeping your distance might not(probably will definitely NOT) be enough. You still ache and that will not go away. You can develop better ways of dealing with the void with support and/or professional help. What I have learned in my life is, I CANNOT MAKE ANYONE ELSE CHANGE, but I CAN CHANGE THE WAY I LET IT AFFECT ME!!!!!! My heart aches for y'all cause I have been there--not with addictive parents but a child. My father also was estranged from us kids even into adulthood, but, I made it my responsibility to deal with him directly AFTER a few hours on the psychiatrist's couch. I found him and started to visit him after a 15 year absence. It has been the most helpful way to heal..I was with him holding his head in my hands when he took his last breath and I am sooooo grateful that I can look back at him and our lives with love and no hate or remorse. The other members of my family still will not talk about him and that is their loss!!!
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