A Justifiable Affair? - Topic The People of Pluba Land

I have been married for over 10 years to a man that I share no interests with. We have a child together and I have children from a prior marriage. Of course in the beginning it was like this, he was very attentive, and for the first two years we were like newlyweds, always kissing, holding hands, cuddling. But then he cheated on me, several times over six months of that first two years, and after that things have been downhill. So why am I still with him? Second marriage, another child......I am with him for his child, so she doesn't lose her father like my oldest have. We basically get along, but when it comes to raising a family; I wear the pants. After 11 years it gets pretty lonely. My husband is a very busy man, and often the family is left behind. And when he is home, he may as well not be, because he very non-socialable, passive to no end.

When I was younger, this didn't bother me, but now I'm banking 40; not really banking 40 but I'm closer to it than 30! People say I don't look my age, I look younger. So when I decided to spread my wings and venture out on the weekends, men were expressing an interest in me. But they turned out to be several years younger than I was. So I asked one of them why they would think I would be interested in a "younger man" They all say the same thing. Prior to talking to me and getting to know me they would have never guessed I was older than I looked. There was one guy in particular. He was very attentive and fullfilled that mental desire I had for years to be recognized by someone. One in particular, was under 18. He didn't look under 18 and was somehow admitted into the club that I frequented. The bartender told me that this man was a friend of the family. I was actually considering an affair, I was very lonely. So I put a stop to it before it even got started. I told him he was too young. For over four years this man continued to persue me, until finally I gave in. He is in his twenties now. He is the breath of fresh air that I have been looking for in a long time.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I just don't know if I'm in love with him. I've felt this way long before my lover came into my life. I think I am in one of those sad situations, you know where husband and wife stop sleeping together and end up in separate rooms. I never wanted that for me. But I don't want to end my marriage because of the children. He is a good father, and a good provider. I work, but it's just not enough. I don't want to put my children through the experience of a messy divorce, or to grow up without a father like I did.

I have seen women who do this and I have to admit, I was very judgemental to them and had no respect for them. But now I find myself being one of these women, and I feel almost sympathy for those who are doing it, because the majority of the women I have spoke with have the same sad story that I do and feel that ending the marriage would traumatize the children.

I don't feel guilty about what I am doing, should I? When I'm with this person, he makes me feel beautiful, he tells me that I am, he is very attentive when we make love.....he's just wonderful. He knows I am not looking to replace my husband and I made it perfectly clear to him that he needs to find a woman that he can make feel the way he makes me feel, and she will be able to give him the things I can't such as a family and children. He and I have so much fun together, he makes me feel young, I am not grown old gracefully. I have put on several several pounds since the birth of my first child so my self esteem is not very high. But he makes me feel wonderful, and I dont want to give that up.

So, tell me please, what would you do? Would you give up the man you feel is your equal, both mentally and sexually? After all, he's making you feel like something you haven't felt like in years, a real woman. Now if he were to find that special someone and settle down, I would be sad, but at the same time happy for him. I am prepared for that and I am okay with it. I have to mention that he has met someone but I don't think she's the one or he wouldn't still be with me. He never asks me to leave my husband and he never pressures me to do anything I don't feel comfortable doing.

So is my affair justifiable?

<Sassy>

Posted

Its really no ones business than your own. You said yourself before you were in this situation you judged others harshly who did the same thing?
The others here that are in their own good or bad marriages that have not strayed will jusdge you harshly. End of story
I am in a situation much like yours... but I still fantasize about being with "him" in the end. My kids are almost out of the nest tho.
Good luck.

Doxiechick

Grand Pluba

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You do need to understand tho that you are in the honeymoon period with this other guy. You know that it won't last. It didn't last with your husband...do you think you will have that attentive firework feeling forever?

I am not judging you. People do what they need to do. But you asked if you should leave your husband for this man...you need to be realistic and know that this guy is 1) very young and men mature slower then women to begin with and 2) that the fireworks you are feeling now WILL die in a matter of time. The first euphoric feelings of relationships cannot last forever.

So weighing those two together you need to make the decision.

Thank God you did not consumate this before he was of age. Now that WOULD have been wrong and illegal! It is no more right for a woman to have sex with a minor anymore than it is for a man.

So to answer your question is it justifiable...that is not a question for anyone here to answer. That is your dilemma alone. You are married...even tho your husband cheated on you...does your cheating make it okay? I think the best thing would be to leave your husband before having sex with anyone, but again that is up to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie

Posts: 12495 | Location (City, State): Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mon July 28 2003

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Canine

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Well, heres my opinion. You arent getting any younger so you need to make a decision. I know many older couples who choose to stay together and have an open marriage where they see other people because financially and emotionally divorce can be tough BUT this should be a mutual decision.

Also, remember you arent getting any younger so divorce may be a good option if your goal is to find someone you can be happy with. My mother divorced a few years ago, and while finding a man is low on her priority list, she has found that most men her age are either married and wanting to cheat, come with serious baggage, drinkers sitting in bars, happily married, or looking for women half their age.

Posts: 3602 | Location (City, State): PA | Registered: Fri August 27 2004

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Doxiechick

Grand Pluba

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quote:
My mother divorced a few years ago, and while finding a man is low on her priority list, she has found that most men her age are either married and wanting to cheat, come with serious baggage, drinkers sitting in bars, happily married, or looking for women half their age.

OH THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE! Not sure how old your mom is but this is even true when are in the 35-45 age range! It is very hard when you get older to find one of the decent ones. Like you said CHC they are either already married or divorced and for GOOD reason. The ones that were done wrong and divorced or widowed are snatched up very quickly!!!

When i divorced i was resigned to being single again. I did the bar scene here and there...OMG it revolted me how much men only have one thing on their minds. I am also very attractive for my age (almost 40) so i also attract younger guys when i go out. I just can't see anything in them. Maybe the orig poster got lucky but i thrive on intelligent conversations and it is hard to find that with someone much younger than I am. Not saying that it can't happen, the odds are just MUCH lower.

If something happens to my current relationship i honestly think i will stay single. If love comes along i would not deny it but the looking part S-U-C-K-S!

Men are on an average more piggish then not. Sad to say...women as a whole are more dependable and capable of loving. there are many SORRY women too, but when you are single the decent women outweigh the number of decent men so it is a tough scene!

Back to the original poster, if your goal is to find love again and not just a relationship of convenience then yes, divorce now is your best bet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie

Posts: 12495 | Location (City, State): Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mon July 28 2003

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Canine

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quote:
Originally posted by Doxiechick:

OH THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE! Not sure how old your mom is but this is even true when are in the 35-45 age range! It is very hard when you get older to find one of the decent ones. Like you said CHC they are either already married or divorced and for GOOD reason.

Lol, yea. She is in her 50s. I have always been fortunate to have wonderful guys in my life..the kind that open the door for me and run to the store at 3 am to buy me chocolate cause I just HAVE to have it! My hubby is a saint.

Unfortunately a lot of guys are simply Biological Support Units for their penis', as I like to call them, hehe.

Posts: 3602 | Location (City, State): PA | Registered: Fri August 27 2004

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Doxiechick

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I have always been fortunate to have wonderful guys in my life..the kind that open the door for me

For the first time in my life i have a guy who opens doors for me....my ex was not a BAD man in the way of manners, or even treating me nicely. He was very good to me. there were just other issues I won't go into now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie

Posts: 12495 | Location (City, State): Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mon July 28 2003

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I love this statement !

quote:
Unfortunately a lot of guys are simply Biological Support Units for their penis'

My next question is when does the honeymoon end? I mean I have been married for almost 7 years and Tony is great. and let me tell you I had to KISS a lot of Toads just to get this (prince)

Doxiechick

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My next question is when does the honeymoon end? I mean I have been married for almost 7 years and Tony is great. and let me tell you I had to KISS a lot of Toads just to get this (prince)

Linda I think if you have been married that long and still think you have a prince then you are doing A-OKAY. you have no worries toots!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie

Posts: 12495 | Location (City, State): Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mon July 28 2003

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Canine

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Glad you two snagged a couple good ones

Posts: 3602 | Location (City, State): PA | Registered: Fri August 27 2004

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Labluvr

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I agree with Doxie when she says you are the one that needs to make up your mind. It's your life and no one should judge how you choose to live it.

I will tell you though, that staying together for the kids is for the birds. I can see your concern for them, I really can. I can also tell you that I am a child of divorced parents, and I turned out completely fine. My parents divorced when I was 11. Was I sad? Yes. But, I loved them enough to know that they were not happy together. Why be miserable when you don't have to be? Looking back, I sensed that something was wrong. Kids are a lot smarter than most adults give them credit for.

Not saying this is always the case, but children are a product of their environment. If they see how you are acting and see how it is between you and your husband, they are more likely to be that way. And to be honest, I think that if your children ever found out that you were cheating on their Dad, they would be devastated. Just my opinion.

I am not judging, I am just giving advice from personal experiences.

You mentioned that your lover met someone, but that you think she's not the one, because he's still with you. Well, you married someone you thought was the one, and you are having an affair. You also swore to stand beside this person through good and bad and now you are having an affair. Sorry, just had to play devil's advocate for a second!

I just have to ask...does your husband have any idea this is going on?

Anyway, good luck in this situation. I am sure you are in a predicament and I don't envy the situation you are in.

If you need to chat, you can always PT me. I will be glad to listen.

~*~Labluvr~*~

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dogs already think I am.

Posts: 3190 | Registered: Sun December 21 2003

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Doxiechick

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I will tell you though, that staying together for the kids is for the birds. I can see your concern for them, I really can. I can also tell you that I am a child of divorced parents, and I turned out completely fine.

So true Labluvr. As adults, we pick up the way we behave in relationships from our parents. By the time we are ten it is almost already cemented in. People can change, yes, but the core of how we react in relationships occurred before we were even old enough to have our own.

That beign said, staying "for the kids" teaches them to not show their true feelings, to harbor resentmetn, and is not a good example. Kids are not stupid. They know when mom and dad are not happy. And by staying FOR them you teach them that when they grow up and find themselves unhappy that they may need to stay in it for the wrong reasons. Kids are VERY resilient. Of course they are hurt when parents divorce. I can say honestly tho I was relieved when mine finally did. Their unhappiness spilled over into my life too much and it was a sad day, but a relief at the same time.

You have to give your kids credit. They bounce back. They love their parents and watn them to be happy. Just like we want them to be happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -Dale Carnegie

Posts: 12495 | Location (City, State): Somewhere over the rainbow | Registered: Mon July 28 2003

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DC the reason I think I have a prince now is because, I once was married to a major toad

quote:
Originally posted by Doxiechick:
quote:
My next question is when does the honeymoon end? I mean I have been married for almost 7 years and Tony is great. and let me tell you I had to KISS a lot of Toads just to get this (prince)

Linda I think if you have been married that long and still think you have a prince then you are doing A-OKAY. you have no worries toots!

Storm

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What you do is your buisness, no one else's. Having said that I personally don't agree with cheating period... In today's world it's just to dangerous. If you have that little respect for someone that you'd cheat on them, then you don't need to be with that person at all. Why not just go your seperate ways, & save someone the shock/heartbreak of learning their being cheated on, & your own self respect.

As far as children being an excuss for staying with someone, I would think any child would prefer their parents spliting up, than to learn mommy & daddy are cheating on each other. JMO

So I guess to anwser your question NO.. I don't see where cheating can be justified.

Soft Purrs & Boxer Wiggles :-)

Posts: 1177 | Location (City, State): Kentucky | Registered: Fri September 10 2004

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Labluvr

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RedRose, where are you?! We have given you our opinions! I am anxious to hear what you have to say or see what you have decided!

Please come back!

~*~Labluvr~*~

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dogs already think I am.

Posts: 3190 | Registered: Sun December 21 2003

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I have never thought about cheating on my spouse's .I never wanted to be involved with a cheater either. but then again do you know if the person you are with, will come out an say hey I am with someone at the moment but I want to be with you.I will say this if you are not happy with your mate then tell them! you can also go to counseling to see if that will patch things up. if does not then leave them so they can find someone to love them .it is not my business what you do I just know from experence < sp what cheating can do to a person.

<Lynda>

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quote:
Originally posted by Purfect Dream:
I have never thought about cheating on my spouse's .I never wanted to be involved with a cheater either. but then again do you know if the person you are with, will come out an say hey I am with someone at the moment but I want to be with you.I will say this if you are not happy with your mate then tell them! you can also go to counseling to see if that will patch things up. if does not then leave them so they can find someone to love them .it is not my business what you do I just know from experence < sp what cheating can do to a person.

What if you are unhappy with your mate because he's been doing things he shouldn't, but you are afraid to leave because you will be ruined financially and you (I) am not capable of working to support myself? I just need someone's opinion(s) please.

Posted

go to counseling ! if that does not work seek legal advise.

quote:
Originally posted by Lynda:
What if you are unhappy with your mate because he's been doing things he shouldn't, but you are afraid to leave because you will be ruined financially and you (I) am not capable of working to support myself? I just need someone's opinion(s) please.

<Lynda>

Posted

quote:
Originally posted by Purfect Dream:
go to counseling ! if that does not work seek legal advise.

quote:
Originally posted by Lynda:
What if you are unhappy with your mate because he's been doing things he shouldn't, but you are afraid to leave because you will be ruined financially and you (I) am not capable of working to support myself? I just need someone's opinion(s) please.

You sound very cold. He won't go to counseling. Don't you think I've tried everything already? Coming here and posting was a last resort for me.
I cannot afford to get a divorce, so how is legal advise going to help me? It isn't. But thanks anyway.

Posted

what was cold about my statement? if you took it that way. then I am sorry. if he wont go to counseling what is you other opition? there is a thing call legal aid.

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