Pluba Home | Pluba Forums | Pet Classifieds | Pluba Community | Pluba Chat
Back to Pluba.com Pluba Forums For the Humans... Psychologist Bench...Humans Only. when friends lie, what to do
Pluba Forums For the Humans... Psychologist Bench...Humans Only. when friends lie, what to do|
Go
|
New
|
Find
|
Notify
|
Tools
|
Reply
|
|
|
Pluba Freshman |
Cats, Maybe you need to re-examine what drew you to her in the first place. Has she always been so elusive? If so, maybe she seemed like someone that you would enjoy having as a friend - a little adventurous, funny, and not quite dependable. Now, you could be realizing that some of those traits, which seemed attractive at first, do not make for good long term friendships. I think that we are often attracted (both in friendships and love) to those who are a little beyond our reach.
There is also another view. Is she newly married? She could be so "involved" with her new husband that she is torn between the two of you. In that case, give your friendship time to grow again. Have you always been as dedicated to the friendship as you are now? During the births of your children, did you find yourself behaving as she is now? Friendships go through many changes and growing periods. This could be one of those times. There are only two people that I consider my best friends. That doesn't mean that I don't have many other friends and acquaintances with whom I associate. One of the two has been my best friend for 34 + years!! Over the years we have gotten married, gone to school, gotten jobs, had children, and made other friends. During some of those events, we were physically closer to other people due to changes in circumstances. We had children to raise and marriages to bond. As the years go by family members demand our time and we don't see each other nearly as often as we desire. But our bond is stronger than ever. We have "a history" together and I can always count on her to be on my side in any situation. She is my cheering section. My other best friend is much more recent. But I see the same traits in her as my oldest friend. The only concern that I see with your "friend" is that you feel she lies to you. Are you positive that these are lies and not misunderstandings? Could her husband have taken the money that she "set aside"? Is she possibly in an emotionally abusive situation? If so, she needs you more than ever. Do not turn your back until you are sure she is lying to you. But, if you discover that she is lying; she is not your friend. It is time to move on. Neither of my best friends would ever lie to me, nor I to them. Friendship or any relationship for that matter has no place for lying. You must be able to trust friends in any given situation. I trust mine completely. My morals are high, so I look for high morals in those around me. I don't know that I have helped. I hope so. Examine the reasons and history behind your friendship. Look for changes or reasons for those changes. Clear up any possible misunderstandings. Tell her you thought she had money set aside for the movies. Find out what is going on with her. As I said, she might need you. There could be something wrong in her world that prevents her from confiding. Her husband sounds very controlling. I can't imagine my husband of 30+ years ever telling me I could or couldn't do something. Take care and God bless. |
|||
|
| <cats4you>
|
Thank you for your advise..but i think its too late she wont return my phone calls or my emailes..i just dont understand how she can just throw our freindship away..I should have expected it she is not the best person in the world she isnt very fatefull to her husband either thats way i couldnt belive the emails she was sending me after i told her how i felt..she told me that we were just too differnt becouse she liked to do things with her husband..it didnt make any since i do things with my husband and kids all the time ..but one of my favorit things is to go to the movies and its hard to find a babysitter so me and my husband can go so he stays with the kids so i can have a night out..everyone deserves a night out with freinds i think ..she isnt even in love with her husband she used me several times as an excuess to meet her boyfreinds and i went along with it i guess becouse i wanted to keep being her friend even though i knew what she was doing was worng..she is younger than me and still has alot of gorwing up to do..i guess in a way me hanging out with her keplt me feeling young..i guess in the future i will be more picky with who i choose to be freinds with..thanks for helping me understand more what i need to be looking for...
|
||
|
|
Pluba Freshman |
Cats,
You sound like such a good friend. I know what you mean about needing time away with friends - or even just away from the children for awhile. Are you involved in any Mother's Morning Out groups? Sometimes they are available through the Church. If you are a stay at home Mom, money is probably tight. But, perhaps a responsible young neighbor would trade babysitting with you in order for you and your husband to get away. It might be possible to meet a potential friend through your children's activities - taking them to the park, Church, walking in the neighborhood. I am afraid that you are right about your former friend. She really sounds like a user. I wouldn't spend too many sad thoughts on her. It is her loss, not yours. We all learn the hard way about "friends". Many years ago I made friends with a neighbor. We were both young and each had a young son. We met through the boys. She lived on the street behind me and her son was always coming over to play with mine. I remember in the beginning, that I was a little concerned that her son would come that far alone at such a young age. It should have been an indicator of her personality. For a couple of years we shared thoughts, ideas, ball games, etc. She always seemed to be in a financial difficulty and I would help her write letters to her creditors, etc. It was the second marriage for both her and her husband. After a while she began to share things that led me to know there were difficulties with her marriage. She would plan events for the boys and I. Then, as your friend did, she didn't show up. I noticed that she only called when she had purchased new furniture, a car, or just to brag. I didn't know where the money was coming from, but I was happy for her. Then, we both discovered we were pregnant. We were excited and got close again. We were due about a month apart. We discussed names and we had our names chosen for the babys - both boys again. When her son was born - just before mine - she gave her son the names that I had picked out. I couldn't believe it. She had been so set on her names and never once indicated that she even liked the names that I had chosen. We never argued about it. But, I finally just let the friendship end naturally. She has since left her husband and left him with the two boys. We see each other occasionally and discuss old times. But, she was never and never will be a "friend". Another friend and co-worker once said, "Once you know how someone is, you can deal with them." I think of that often. She is very correct. I find myself having more tolerance with others when I remember her statement. In other words - Be aware because you know how they can be. Take care and God bless. |
|||
|
| <DogBabi>
|
It could be that your "friend" doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I know she has, but maybe she is trying not to by lying to you. I have known people who would rather tell a lie than the truth and for no reason whatsoever--for some reason they think it's better. A lot of people just have too many skeletons in their closets and maybe you're friend knows that if you find some of hers, you will see that she wasn't really much of a friend to you. If she were having problems and she's your friend--then who better to tell than you? Ask yourself and be honest---what do you do for her??? What has she done for you???Maybe you have to let her go to find yourself. go to the movies alone. join a group. Try free groups and you are sure to make a friend. if you don't like one group, move on. You have to be a friend to make a friend and maybe don't try to hard. If you're friend doesn't answer -- let her go. She's not worth it. I've had this done to me, only to have the "friend" show back up 2 years later just like she did nothing wrong and even give me a hug. She got back into my good graces only to do this to me again. This time, I didn't even give her a second thought. Obviously I didn't mean much to her if she could just turn her back on me that way, and to do it twice. ugh!! When i really made myself think back on the entire relationship of being friends over the course of several years, I figured out just how much she had used me and in the end, I discovered that I had been her friend and she had never really been mine. This is difficult to accept, but know that there is nothing wrong with you--it's her! You are still trying--she isn't. That is what counts. Look inside and you might discover the very best friend you've never known. YOURSELF. Someone you know you can always depend on and who will never let you down or lie to you or hurt you. You can take yourself to the movies or wherever you want to go until you can find another friend to join in. Nothing wrong with that. You are probably too good for that person you think of a friend because you know you would never treat her the way she is treating you. Hope this helps.
|
||
|
| <cats4you>
|
thank you dogbabi you are so right..i have been sitting by the phone all last week waiting for her to call thinking that after she had awhile to think about it she would call but she never did..and the more time that went by i began to realize that i really didnt care anymore..its better to be by my self than to be hurt by her. i enjoy my own company and i usally do go to the movies by myself and its really not that big a deal..she was what by husband called a fair weather freind..she only came around when it suted her and its taken me a lot of soul searching to actualy see that..i was so desperate for a freind that i let her walk all over me..well no more i will not let anyone treat me like that ..its better just beinging with my kids and my husband he is really the only friend i need...thanks
|
||
|
| Previous Topic | Next Topic | powered by eve community |
 | Please Wait. Your request is being processed... |
|
|||
| Site | Pluba Forums | ||
| Servlet | eve2da014 | ||
| Version | 1.2.22 build 9062 | ||
| Module | Forums 4.0.3 | ||
| Stylesheet | "Psycologists Bench Speakfreak" | ||
| Wordlet Set | "Default Wordlet Set" | ||
|
Back to Pluba.com Pluba Forums For the Humans... Psychologist Bench...Humans Only. when friends lie, what to do
Pluba Forums For the Humans... Psychologist Bench...Humans Only. when friends lie, what to do© Copyright Pluba.com 2001-2007.8
| View $GS_USERNAME's Public Profile |
| Add $GS_USERNAME to my Buddies |
| Add $GS_USERNAME to my Ignore List |
| Invite $GS_USERNAME to a Private Topic |
| View Recent Posts by $GS_USERNAME |
| Notify me of New Posts by $GS_USERNAME |