Back Yard Publishers

Your words are worth gold – to us!


After my quarterly review, re-vamping and dusting off of sources for the authors I edit, I have come to the conclusion that it’s time to open my own publishing house. So in partnership with Lorr, we are proud to announce the birth of BYP, Back Yard Publishers.

Why now, you ask? Well, we’re going to tell you. First of all, as editors we are tired of the scams and cheap outfits that mislead new writers into thinking they are going to instantly be “authors” because their work appears in print. They naively lay out big money with dreams of fame - and don’t get a heck of a lot in return.

Oh, and royalties? Yes, let us not forget royalties! Many companies will tell you they pay royalties, and that they are NOT those shoddy vanity press publishers. Phlbbbbbbtttt! Any company who makes you pay for a copyright, ISBN or other basic services, or makes you pay ANY kind of fee at all, is not purchasing your work. They are charging you for their services. “Real” publishers do not allow you to farm out the editing, edit it yourself, or have control over the artwork. Not that self-publishing isn’t a reasonable option for some writers, but there are more scam outfits than good, reliable publishers who do this.

So, Lorr and I are targeting the niche market of backyard breeders and puppy/kitten mills. (We do not discriminate: if you can prove you pimp any other kind of animal, we will consider you.) Heaven knows, there are enough of you out there… we should make a hefty fortune in no time.

Our basic package is $700, and for that you get a full edit of your 150,000 word tome, the benefit of our many years of selling Girl Guide cookies, watching Martha Stewart, and doing crossword puzzles; as well as …oh yeah, getting your book into print.

Now, keep in mind that this will take 6-12 months. Why? That’s because we’ll be vacationing in the Bahamas after you pay us the $700. When we get back, we’ll slap something together on the computer and then run off your edited book on our printer…, and there! You’re an author!

We do, however, have some standards. No kitty porn and no doggie-style stuff. This is a high-class operation. Other than that, we’ll print almost anything. Dream a little – the kennel is half-full, not half-empty! Imagine your name on the coffee table of your local dentist where someone dumped, er… accidentally left a copy of your sage words on the right diet for producing a champion. Wade into the merle debate with your own seven-volume series! Discuss the tax benefits of breeding ghost turds and dust bunnies as a second income. Raw diet or chow, you be the expert. Tap the market, catch the ear of innocent and gullible pet buyers and your fellow BYBs. The world is your oyster, - and if you’re breeding those too, you can publish a How-to book on them as well.

We are now open to submission inquiries. Please post here, the following info, and we will get back to you as soon as our bottle of Merlot is empty:

Title (Make it catchy. “Puppy Pimp Primer” has been done to death):
Content description (what you want people to believe you know):
Purpose of book (other than self-congratulations):
Length (we bore easily. Consider this before writing War and Peace Book II):
Your artwork or ours (We have a chimp that works for bananas):
Price you want the book to sell for (we offer financing for buyers to purchase a copy):
How much you expect in royalties (remember, we like to laugh, too):

Sure, just paypal us your $700. We may be easy, but we're not cheap.

quote:

Originally posted by Canine:
May I have your permission to plagiarize the above article ma'am?

PA - I think we could work out some sort of a deal with K9, hmmm? We may need her for some artwork down the road.

Well, okay. But if we replace the chimp with Canine, there'll be Hell to pay with the Apes Union.

Puhleeease.

I encourage you to review my portfolio of past work.

Not bad, Canine. Is that a ghost turd? And is it a merle?

Suits to a T, K9. PA - I think we can give the chimp a 'token position' to appease the Union. Ank - that is MY red truck...

RR totalled the truck and I just bought a fancy new wheel cover with our last commission from that book we did called "Did Cleopatra Make An Asp of Herself?"

PA's pimping out the Ford again... Next book: "To Boa or Not to Boa... that is the question."

That one had a very brief shelf life Ank. It was replaced on the #1 list by "Depends: Your Fanny's Friend"

I see that Canine uses that new advanced 'Yahoo' online image editing software.

Don't criticize CB, till you can come up with something better. Come on, let's see what you got. This is a professional business you know, got no time for sycophants and dilettantes. Although we do have an opening for spellcheckers.

Free crewses ...for pro bono spellcheck work.
Contact us to fill out the application.

Watch what you're giving away Lorr. That cuts our profit on $700 down to about ...um....$689.45

I have an anonymous submission here:

Title: Ear Tapping For Fun and Prophet
Content description: Other uses for your Lightdays, Pantyliners and Tampons. Covers all breeds and kinky tendencies
Purpose of book: To make the bulk of BYBs more upright members of the kennel community
Length: Three inches untapped, six inches tapped
Your artwork or ours: Mine, but the dog ate my crayons so it will be a couple of days before I get them back
Price you want the book to sell for: $20
How much you expect in royalties: $19.95


I dunno...seems a bit flaky to me. And I found Mac and Cheese on the synopsis.

Heck... good point re: the $689.45, PA. That's two less fruity, foofy drinks with tiny umbrellas, isn't it?

We'll have to find some more naive thespians with creative ideas, e.g. "Prozac Prose and Other Musings."

Title: When Thingy Wingy Met Bullseye

Content description: "Can Thingy Wingy break under pressure?" "Bullseye, what kind of a name is THAT?(Hooo-ahh is much better.)" "Worms to eliminate waste and keep the mill clean." "Ooops! and when to give the abortion shot!" "How to market Merles, Mixes, and More!" "Why not to health test." "Cutting costs." "Also features a bonus chapter on how to write the impossible contract!"

Purpose of book: How to get 'er done.

Length: Longer than you think.

Your artwork or ours: I would like to collaborate with your house artist.

Price you want the book to sell for: $24.99USD($32.68 CAN)

How much you expect in royalties: $20.00USD

quote:

Originally posted by Lady Dane:
Title: When Thingy Wingy Met Bullseye

Content description: "Can Thingy Wingy break under pressure?" "Bullseye, what kind of a name is THAT?(Hooo-ahh is much better.)" "Worms to eliminate waste and keep the mill clean." "Ooops! and when to give the abortion shot!" "How to market Merles, Mixes, and More!" "Why not to health test." "Cutting costs." "Also features a bonus chapter on how to write the impossible contract!"

Purpose of book: How to get 'er done.

Length: Longer than you think.

Your artwork or ours: I would like to collaborate with your house artist.

Price you want the book to sell for: $24.99USD($32.68 CAN)

How much you expect in royalties: $20.00USD

Well now LD, I think we can work with this. That royalty should be just about right after we tack on a few extra charges we didn't tell you about in the first place.

Did you envision this as a series,or just chapters in one book? Because you get more "oomph" outta publishing one after another crappy books, and then you're always in someone's face no matter where they go, there's your books- the dentist, the doctor, the bus station....the world is just waiting with baited breath for your sage wisdom and advice.

By the way, our artist was pretty damn impressed, and said the idea had a lot of appeal to him, but he's a might worried about your interest in thingy wingys.

quote:

Originally posted by Ankhu IGs:
Title: How to Impress other Dawg Farmers

Content description: "Talking the talk!", "The "when i" syndrome: going to the show" "Easy dog stacking for dawg farmers", "Getting milage outta that one Ch. in the pedigree",

Purpose of book: Impressin yer feller Dawg Farmers.

Length: 5 pages

Your artwork or ours: I got some pictures i done took off someone else's website, can i use those?

Price you want the book to sell for: I wanna auction it! Highest bidder at the dawg auctions!

How much you expect in royalties: Oh i don't want nuttin, i am doing this for the good of mankind!

Well slap me silly and call me Sally. I do believe that might be a Pullet Prize Winner. First we gotta get some ads out, maybe on the back of feed trucks. And flyers under the wipers of cars at them dog auctions. You know, build the excitement first before we put your book on the block.

As for the pictures, hell yes you can use them. Whose going to know anyway, and we'll just claim you signed our author agreement and swore they were yours, so our lawyers said we have to believe you.

I'm just a tad worried that it's going to prove so pupular that we'll have to do a reprint. And of course, we charge extra for that.

That sounds good too, Deep. Lots of them puppy mills like to make the most of their space, and what the heck does it matter if everything falls to the bottom.

Say, don't you breed worms too? Maybe we could do a two part series, one on the worm farming, and the other on the caging with worms underneath to clean it all up. Whatcha think?